Hi, Mom! Ready to find your son heartless? Here goes: I do not care about this Susan Boyle Britain’s Got Talent lady that is sweeping the interwebz. “Break out the tissues!” warns every single person who posts it online. No, no I will not. In fact, here is what I’m breaking out: Movieline’s inaugural edition of “Enough Already,” the rant column to be used only when we’re at our breaking point. Which I am.
At this point, the Susan Boyle YouTube clip has been viewed roughly, hmmm, a googol times? Is that right? Point being, it’s as though everyone on earth has watched it already, and yet people who’ve just had WiFi installed in their caves continue to post it on Facebook every day as though it’s never been seen. It has been seen. Stop doing that.
So, in the rare case you haven’t already watched this thing, here’s what goes down: it’s a clip from Britain’s Got Talent where this unkempt cat-lady-person, this Susan Boyle, admits that she’s in her forties (NO!) and that she’s never been kissed, but she wants to sing in front of a large audience with swooping crane shots, and she would really like it if producers could wildly stack the deck emotionally for her? So they do, trotting Susan out and editing her as though she is an innocent naif who just walked on stage and hasn’t already survived at least ten audition rounds in front of the show’s creator/producers, one of whom is the head judge, Simon Cowell.
As Susan channels her sassy inner gumption, the audience is clearly against her, and you can tell by the weirdly mixed in catcalls and ADR’d skeptical laughter. There is even a shot of some girl rolling her eyes, and if you know reality TV at all, she definitely rolled her eyes at that exact moment and not some other moment during the four hours of taping that the producers just spliced in to kickstart their segment’s narrative.
And then Susan sings “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables, and it’s…good. It starts off good, and then it becomes not quite as good, just kind of OK, but we’re not supposed to say that? And she smiles and hits the notes even though it’s not really a “smiley” song and it would be a hell of a lot more poignant if she actually tried to emotionally connect with the lyrics that kind of mirror her own situation (never have a thwarted dream and “this hell I’m living” sounded so friendly! ). And then, the judges are just so amazed that someone who hasn’t tweezed her eyebrows has technical singing ability, and they chastise the audience, this audience that they themselves have engineered and riled up to mock the ugly and inept. It’s at this point that the viewer at home congratulates him or herself for knowing from the very beginning that this Susan was the real deal (on account of the Twitter introduction, “OMG what an inspiration!”) and cries tears of joy and immense self-satisfaction.
I’m over it, d00dz. I am an asshole, but I’m over it. Actually, you know what I’m most over? This weird prizing of humility in people aspiring to be huge music stars. The same thing goes for American Idol, where contestants like Melinda Doolittle and Taylor Hicks are rewarded for their seeming lack of narcissism, while message boards churn with antipathy toward aspirants who are perceived as “too arrogant.” Yes, because that’s what we hate in music: arrogance. We certainly would not like to reward that boundless self-confidence in people like Kanye West, Madonna, Mick Jagger, every rapper everywhere, and Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist from The Hives (I’m just sneaking that one in because I love him). Oh wait, we do, because we actually want our rock stars to be full of themselves. That’s what makes them fun and larger than life and able to command a stadium full of people.
So, guys, enjoy your Susan Boyle album full of Celine Dion covers that you won’t buy! I’ll just hang out, being terrible and mean and OMG not possessing a single tenth of Susan Boyle’s talent. Have at me. On eyebrows alone, I am confident I can take her.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:00 AM
Yeah, but Kyle, she's UGLY AND she can SING? Don't you see? It's amazing. Really.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:01 AM
THANK YOU!! And I hate Les Mis too.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:19 AM
Thank Christ she was just signing. I thought she was going to start shooting ping pong balls out her vag.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:37 AM
Didn't something similar happen last year on this show? Some fugly brit guy with snaggletoof mouf that could belt out opera tunes?
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:43 AM
This IS how Lady Gaga got her start, right?
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:45 AM
Wow, that's a pretty low tolerance and a quick trigger. This 'enough' article showed up in my RSS reader literally one article after one that was the first I'd heard of her.
I mean, when did this happen? Within the week? Chill.
Now 'Rickolling'... now there was something I was sick of within a week or two, but went on for months and months.
Or hey, how about these 'Star Search' knockoffs in general? Enough.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:49 AM
This is probably not the proper forum for people with manners and taste
based on the comments that were posted ahead of this. It may be reserved for total idiots who have demeaned this wonderful talented lady. Of course, they knew she could sing. Thats show business and a
great show it was. I believe people who are too stupid too recognise
great talent should keep their small minded comments to them selves and
let the intelligent people do the commenting. I am sure they will take offence to this but all they need do is reread their comments for proof
they are idiots.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:05 PM
Ladies & gentlemen, Paula Abdul.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:06 PM
Kyle, is this your mom??
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:54 AM
Amen
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:21 PM
I read this thread and I'm glad to see that nothing's changed, really.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:28 PM
Dear Kyle, I love you.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:45 PM
Thank God I'm not the only one! I was like, "I guess she's okay, for an old ugly cat lady."
But can she sing "Born to be Wild?"
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:50 PM
Kyle, it's like you're reading my mind, which is now totally blown. Thank you.
p.s. to Jean: really enjoyed your haiku! Hilarious!
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 12:59 PM
Genius.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 1:11 PM
Kyle, you're clearly not old, fat, or ugly enough to understand the gravity of this moment. Rejoice! (I, however, have made her my patron saint.)
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 1:24 PM
Thanks to Jean Chester for being our first human snark sacrifice. Our pact with Satan is almost complete; just waiting for the Nikki Finke voodoo dolls to arrive.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 1:31 PM
I think Dave Denby is getting a bit too close. I'm thinking he should maybe have an 'accident' soon?
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 1:42 PM
So it is written, so it shall be done.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 2:06 PM
SCROOGE!!
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 2:06 PM
kudos. i was thinking i was alone in my curmudgeon universe. but my faith in snark has been restored. i do hope bruce vilanch plays her in the LMN movie presentation, though.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 2:09 PM
If you can actually stand to see Boyle's clip again, you should post it next to the on from last year of Paul Potts.
I watched them side-by-side, and the edits and angles are almost exactly the same.
It would show how much contempt these idiotic shows have for their sheepey audience.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 2:50 PM
Since I hate everything and anything associated with these stupid idol/talent/whatever shows, I love this post.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 3:21 PM
Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle FTW.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 4:33 PM
Sorry, but in the miserable mediocraty of daily life, she made it interesting for 10 minutes (I watched it twice...).
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 6:10 PM
kyle you are king of the internets today...i would like to join your haters club please.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 7:30 PM
Can someone give her Rupert's surgeon's number?
FYI: Jean. Those two upright dashy thingys are called apostrophes. We idiots like to use them selves.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 8:37 PM
Yeah, she can sing. Big deal. A lot of people can sing. I don't see what all the fuss is about. And yeah, I am tired of hearing about her.
Posted 16 Apr 2009, 11:26 PM
First time here after clicking some articles. Being the cynic myself, I applaud Kyle for his guts on writing witty, honest thoughts, some of which I may have had too in the dark, back part of my mind. But the point here is not that she can sing well despite her age and looks that may never give any commentors here a rise, but that now, she will be living her dream while making more money than any of us combined for the rest of our lives. THAT humbles me and probably anyone else with a dream.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 8:21 AM
I know Blackburn, Scotland. It's my mother's village. Not an easy place to live, especially if you're a Suasn Boyle type. I could barely survive it for 4 weeks. I'm certainly not going to rain on this woman's parade. She's lived her whole life in a bleak, unforgiving Scottish village, never married, never even been kissed and, out of her 9 siblings, she was the one who gave up her own life, dreams and happiness to take care of her sick mother. I won't argue that this story is overexposed. If you're sick of hearing about it then that's fine but if you truly grudge this woman her moment in the sun, then you're a hideous cunt.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 10:03 AM
Love you, Kyle. All detractors seem to be unfamiliar with the Movieline tone, which is similar to the Site Which Shall Remain Unnamed.
Also, because of this woman, all week I kept hearing "Paul Potts" and wondering why everyone was suddenly bringing up the deceased Cambodian dictator who inflicted that horrible genocide on his country.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 12:30 PM
"Never been kissed"? Susan, uncles do count, hon.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 12:47 PM
THANK YOU for writing this article. It doesn't make you an asshole. You're just not a sheep. Good for you. Had she sung it HALF as well as any of the real talented singers that perform that show professionally, I would have been impressed. I wouldn't have CRIED, or written soliloquies about how she spread her wings and soared or any related BS... But I would have been impressed. But she didn't even deliver on that, much less anything supernatural or transcendent. She sings well for an average everyday person. It ends there.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 1:30 PM
Well, that didn't take long... A little slice of niceness comes along and of course someone's got to crap all over it. And why, exactly, should I care what you think? Who are you?
This music is not stuff I normally listen to, growing up on Metallica, Slayer, Iron Maiden, etc, But, before I read anything about this, I watched it and loved her singing from the start. Regardless of the whole back story, which the show certainly played up, I personally was moved strongly by her singing. I agree that some of the comments are a bit over the top, but at the same time, I don't doubt that those comments are what the authors actually felt.
So, you don't like it? Hoop-de-doo.
I find it somewhat ironic that you're essentially trying to make a name for yourself out of this by taking this bold anti-stance. How incredibly courageous of you...
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 1:36 PM
It's called the new reality of marketing moron. The internet is making many things obsolete...newspapers..nightly news anchors..record company influence..etc..etc. People like this woman because it takes us back to when people had real talent,not a calculated image and computerized enhanced vocals. It reminds those of us old enough to remember of a simpler more honest time. Maybe you're like 18.If that's the case then I understand your immaturity.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 2:47 PM
Desk Hack: Your Paul Potts riff is excellent.
Kyle, I love your smart-snark take on this. Since I first heard of this nascent site on Gawker, I'm wondering if the commenters on this site were culled from those exiled from there.
The new Movieline is definitely more than worth a daily perusal.
Posted 17 Apr 2009, 10:03 PM
So what if they set it up. I figured that out. She is talented. We have no idea why she hasn't been discovered before now. I did read that she took care of her ailing mother until she died at 91 two years ago. So, Kyle, WHAT IF she really is a sweetheart who gave up her life for perhaps a domineering mom. Isn't it neat that she is going to have a little happiness now?
Posted 18 Apr 2009, 9:05 AM
Excellent. The package has worked big time. But the reality is that she CAN sing and she DOES have talent and she DID do the thing that so many people have nightmares about: standing up in front of an audience and being laughed at. She was so naive (learning difficulties, note) that she didn't get crushed by it. She so loved her singing that she gave it soul. Result? A narcissistic world given a positive self-image at last. No wonder everyone loves her.
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 1:12 AM
From the article I just read from the writer of this piece you don"t understand the apeal of this woman, it is not beacause she can sing but that she represents hope to every underdog across the world who have had a personal dream of one form or another. Susan Boyle was an underdog who had a dream and was able to go out and acomplish it, something millions of people around the world wish they could do.
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 2:14 AM
THANK YOU! I'm so with you there. I don't hate HER, but I don't get the hype. Seriously, I either want to crawl under a rock and wait till it's over or kill the next person who says the name Susan Boyle.
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 6:57 AM
It's just not fair, is it? A plain woman from rural Scotland unfashionably steps on stage and grabs the spotlight. And then, one mouse click at a time, millions from around the world keep that spotlight shining on her, much to the chagrin of those that have made it their life's purpose to turn even a sliver of that spotlight on themselves. What is truly galling is that this "Simple Susan" seems to have not come forward seeking stardom, and instead makes a mockery of all the carefully laid plans of fame seekers everywhere. "Enough" you say.
So this is where resentful, bleeding egos congregate to wallow in despair and moaning. Thank you, Kyle, for opening the door and sending out invitations. All poor, injured souls need a place to go to rail against the inequity of it all.
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 6:10 PM
Well said!
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 12:35 PM
He has a point. The show must have known beforehand that she could sing. Regardless of the veracity of her story (considering that it's mighty convenient for the show, since underdog stories sell well), this reeks of manipulating pricks.
Also, there's this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DelJrP3P7tA"]YouTube - Paul Potts Britain's Got Talent
Kinda convenient. Again.
Posted 19 Apr 2009, 5:28 PM
Really? Owning one cat makes her a cat lady?
And, oh, yeah, calm down. There are bigger more important things to get fussed about.
Posted 20 Apr 2009, 12:06 PM
The truly galling part is for people who genuinely like music and have spend years saying things like "Have you heard this singer, singing "I Dreamed a A Dream" from Les Miz?" to their friends, only to be met with yawns. Even worse are the people who like things like opera (real opera, not Paul Potts Opera) or genuine virtuoso singing that was ignored because it wasn't popular.
Having to listen to people say that Susan Boyle is like the best singer EVAR is only slightly less grating than people who believe Britney Spears is an incredible singer (not just a good live act/entertainer). And all of these people who say they've studied music, etc, etc, so they're qualified to judge and they think she's awesome? Either complete liars, or the ones who aren't good enough and have some sort of denial issue over the singers they know that are better.
It was a sweet moment and decent reality TV for once, but it's taking it too far to constantly talk about how good she is. You like her cause she's ugly and it's a good story, not because she's a great singer. That's fine. There's no need to lie about it. It's perfectly acceptable to like her for that reason.
Posted 21 Apr 2009, 1:05 PM
THANK YOU! I am sick and tired of the "Susan Boyle" craze. She's not that wonderful, the show makes it seem wonderful by the use of camera angles and, like you said, crane shots. It's a bit too much to be believed. I'm skeptical about these shows in general, and I honestly think she's a staged character in order to boost ratings. I just don't like this woman.
Posted 21 Apr 2009, 8:06 PM
I see your point, but you lost me when you started sounding like a total D-Bag... which was, you know, pretty much as soon as you started typing. Seriously, the problem with out society and our artists IS that they are too arrogant. It's all part of the vapid bubblegum machine that pushes out bland, cookie-cutter singles that no one wants to pay for and just pirates from P2P sites. I'm not naive enough to see past the staged elements of Ms. Boyle's clip, but we all need a little feel-good moment here and there. It's like curling up with a romantic comedy when you need a pick-me-up, or indulging in your favourite comfort food on a bad day: bad for you in excess, but healthy in light moderation.
So, Ms. Buchanan, since we've only had a week of Ms. Boyle, I strongly suggest that you shut your piehole and stop all of your cynicism.
Posted 23 Apr 2009, 11:01 PM
About time someone wrote an article like this. Good read Kyle. I guess that makes me an asshole too....oh well.
Posted 26 Apr 2009, 9:54 PM
Uh, from under which rock did half of these commenters come from? Obviously they've never read a word of yours, Kyle (i.e. your article showed up on a 'Susan Boyle' google search!) or a lot of previous readers have lost their sense of humour. Douchebags.
Posted 24 May 2009, 2:10 PM
susan boyle is an embarrassment to scotland. her performance on the semi finals of britains got talent wasnt any better than some others and the way she was after was shameful. the country should see that there is better talent than susan boyle. she'll be forgotten about this time next year anyway.
Posted 26 May 2009, 11:35 AM
SHE IS NOT THAT GREAT AT SINGING, JUST COMPARED TO HER LOOKS, SHE HAS A BETTER VOICE.
There are MUCH better singers in the competition than her and she is completely overrated. I think everyone should stop going on about how amazing she is and start actually listening to her voice... it's average.
If anything, Shaheen should be a youtube star around the world because he has an incredible voice compared to Susan. I've never seen the huge attraction in the mediocre, rather boring singing voice that Susan has- in the audition it wasn't that amazing and neither in her semi-finale performance, in fact, it was worse. I swear to God if she wins then i may never watch Britain's got Talent again- the whole point of Britain's got Talent is to find something extraordinary and showing real unique talent, i feel Susan Boyle is simply an old boring woman who happens to have an alright voice, that when compared to her looks seems bloody fantastic.
GRRRR
Posted 27 May 2009, 12:08 PM
Thank You!
I coulsn't care less about this lady! Sure she can sing, but really who cares? The fact that the whole world thinks she is the greatest thing since Princess Diana Really pisses me off.
It takes more than a good voice to impress me. I just hope this stupid thing is over soon and next year she finds herself in a jungle with sanjaya screaming I'm a celebrity get me out of here!
Posted 28 Jun 2010, 3:03 PM
Beautiful review, I had to read this really slow. People should never forget the importance of a healthy life. And from time to time a diet cannot do such bad, just try it.