An Alan Smithee Column
5 More Innovative Dating Show Ideas To Spice Up ABC's Schedule
This morning, ABC announced it’s launching a new reality show, called Conveyor Belt of Love, in which male contestants are rolled out in front of a panel of hungry women like so many glistening slabs of man-sashimi, for selection or rejection as potential sexual partners. (Unfortunately, it seems that the ladies will not be plucking desirable mates from the moving belt with enormous pairs of chopsticks.) While we applaud ABC’s efforts to streamline a dating-show process that’s become shocking bloated with unnecessary rose ceremonies, wastefully exotic locations and elaborate, insincere proposals, there’s even more exciting things they could be doing to shake up the primetime coupling status-quo. And so Movieline, always willing to lend a helping hand to alternative TV execs in need of inspiration, offers a few more ideas for similarly out-of-the-box shows.
Crane Of Love
A pool of 10 eager bachelors, each disillusioned by the frustrating process of searching for the ever-elusive “One,” are tossed into a glass tank filled with giant stuffed teddy bears, shoes provided by Payless, and plastic wedding-cake figurines. Female contestants then take turns operating a huge metal claw via joystick, hoping to pluck the man of their dreams from the jumble of prizes, introducing a thrilling element of luck to the proceedings. Hear the studio audience gasp with anticipation, and then disappointment, as the claw descends into the tank, clanks shut, then slides frustratingly off the biceps of a volunteer fireman desperate to meet “a nice girl Mom won’t hate for once”!
Trap Door of Love
Eligible bachelors are lined up on stage, five at a time, to answer the questions of that week’s lonely — but still hopeful! — contestant. Those providing unacceptable responses first hear the sound of the bachelorette-activated buzzer, then a rush of air as the trap door beneath their feet swings open, dropping them directly into a pen full of ravenous cougars.
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Posted 09 Dec 2009, 2:27 PM
Jigsaw Puzzle of Love:
Ten male contestants are put through a typical, yet terrifying "gauntlet by jigsaw ™". The first to find the gold ring Lives and gets the girl!
Posted 09 Dec 2009, 3:08 PM
What about "Tame the Tiger."
The quest to find a woman who can get Tiger Woods to keep it in his pants.
Hosted by David Letterman.