Of the many crimes foisted upon humanity by the faceless filmmaking syndicate known as Hollywood, perhaps none are as loathsome as the subpar remake. A practice that hearkens back to the dawn of cinema (little known fact: the Lumière Bros.’ 1898 Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat was actually a remake of the far superior train-arriving-at-a-station movie Tout Abord le Choo Choo! from twenty years prior), it seems that the 21st Century has brought something of a Golden Era for truly craptastic, reconfigured cinematic entertainments. After the jump, we run through 11 of the best worst Hollywood remakes, and invite you to add your own in the comments.
Runners-Up:
10. Down to Earth (2001)
Remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) and Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Still feeling warm and gooey after the success of American Pie, brothers Chris and Paul Weitz took a promising premise — Chris Rock dies, gets reincarnated as a white, billionaire coot — and ruined it by turning it into a toothless fable about the importance of inner beauty. His feature film starring debut, this could have been Rock’s Trading Places. Instead, it was Imagine That for grownups.
9. Around the World in 80 Days (2004)
Remake of Around the World in Eighty Days (1956)
Bankrolled by Philip Anschutz, the Denver-based billionaire founder of Qwest, this Jackie Chan version departed completely from the Jules Verne source material to instead provide him with a high-altitude platform for his trademark pratfalls and increasingly childish persona. No one was charmed: It grossed a total of $24 million, making the $110 million movie one of the biggest flops of the decade.
8. Anything to Come Out of Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes
A specialty label founded by Michael Bay, whose specialty appears to be turning beloved, low-budget horror classics into artless, music-video-uninspired remakes starring a cast of interchangeable dropouts from The WB. Between 2003 and 2009, the company was responsible for no less seven completely unnecessary releases, beginning with 2003’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 2005’s The Amityville Horror, 2007’s The Hitcher, and this year’s The Unborn and Friday the 13th. Next up: A Nightmare on Elm Street, currently rumored to be in reshoots, presumably to render it even more unnecessary.
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 2:14 PM
Didn't Tim Burton's 'Planet of the Apes' come out this decade??? THAT should have been at the top of the list....
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 2:37 PM
No hate for The Wicker Man?
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 3:34 PM
I second "Wicker Man"! Nic Cage in a bunny suit - no more needs to be said.
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 4:50 PM
what no dragon ball z movie that was the biggest sham of the all
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 5:21 PM
The Omen 2006
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 6:03 PM
disagree with the "vanilla sky" addition. that and i have NEVER heard of tommy and his beard being known as "cruiz".
Posted 16 Dec 2009, 9:36 PM
The Ferrell/Kidman Bewitched bête noire was particularly insulting.
Also, I don't know if it's a remake or not (frankly, it's not worth the investigatory trip over to IMDb to find out) but Shyamalan's The Happening was the worst movie of the decade, bar none.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 6:45 AM
I didn't think that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th were all that bad. I'm actually kind of excited for Nightmare on Elm St too. Then again, I'm a sucker for gore.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 1:09 PM
Michael Bay's "horror" movies are NOT gore. If you are a true fan of core, you wouldn't even begin to categorize his clean, cookie-cutter boring jump scares and dumbed down make-up and special effects as gore. Check out August Underground. That's gore.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 6:47 AM
i agree w/ all the others you mentioned but vanilla sky should not be on that list.
you found it incoherent?? what?
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 6:49 AM
This list is nonsense without The Wicker Man as number one.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 8:01 AM
I agree on the Happening being the worst movie of the decade!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a decent slasher flick, as was House of Wax (I kinda lump those two together). TCM: the Beginning was downright awful, though, as was the remake of the Hills Have Eyes.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 8:27 AM
I will never understand how the Pink Panther remake earned a sequel. I refuse to see either one. And I adore Steve Martin.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 10:19 AM
Dude Vanilla Sky was almost the SAME EXACT MOVIE as Abre Los Ojos. It's practically shot scene for scene, but a Vanilla Sky is more stylish and entertaining. The only thing that ruined it was they tried to crazy up Cameron Diaz's character when it should have been subtle. Anyways, I don't understand how people can love Abre Los Ojos and hate Vanilla Sky.
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 11:47 AM
And "Day the Earth Stood Still" is not on this list, why??! "Gort, Keanu Badmovie Remake!"
Posted 17 Dec 2009, 12:43 PM
bad movie and remake is redundant
Posted 20 Dec 2009, 9:45 AM
wow pretty terrible list. wicker man not being on here automatically makes this an unreliable list. u automatically lose all credit
btw vanilla sky was good.
Posted 21 Dec 2009, 1:15 AM
Movies that must be included as American muck-ups are;-lady killers, school for scoundrels,and why those feminist wimps changed the male dominated island of wicker man to females was unbelievable,but not really when you think how the much admired american comedies of old have become so pathetic
johnno
Posted 24 Dec 2009, 4:37 AM
Hope you watch Vanilla Sky again and enjoy it. Because it certainly does not belong on this list. Cameron Crowe brought this to the screen with great intelligence and sensitivity, as he has done with other films.
The switch over was handled with remarkable deftness of hand.
I've never seen the original but certainly will now.
Can't believe you put this one here but not Wicker Man or Day the Earth Stood Still. Hopefully this was a deliberate ploy to draw a reaction, and not your honest opinion.
Posted 27 Dec 2009, 7:35 PM
Tim Burtons Willy Wonka remake is up there...what a load of.....